Questions to ask a potential First Mom
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As a First Mother, I know personally that placing a child for adoption can sometimes be complicated and scary. After talking to a prospective adoptive parent this week I realized that many of you hoping to adopt are wondering what questions should you should ask an expectant parents who is considering becoming a birth parent. How do you know what are the right questions to ask and the wrong ones to stay away from? Here are a few questions that I would suggest you consider:
To get things started ask about the pregnancy.
But there are so many more questions to ask, and points to consider.
Ask her what it was about your profile that caught her attention? When I was looking through profiles there was only one book that caught my attention, in that book there was one page that specifically spoke to me and that’s when I knew they were the family I wanted my daughter to grow up with. Knowing what caught her attention about you and your family will give you a starting point to build a conversation from.
Ask her what kind of a relationship are she is interested in after the baby is place? Open? Closed? Semi-open? Monthly letters and photos? Occasional visits? But also know what YOU want and are HONESTLY WILLING TO OFFER. Don’t leave everything up to her to discuss, as she has enough on her plate and can’t dictate for you what is best for your family; she hardly knows you at this point.
It is good to establish what kind of a relationship you all want, it’s important to remember that adoption isn’t easy for both sides, you don’t want her to feel manipulated or used or she may regret her decision later on in life and that just hurts everyone involved. Just be honest in what kind of a relationship you want to have with her. I know for me, I know when people are lying to me to just get what they want. I want HONESTY.
Ask her if she knows anyone who has placed a child for adoption or is adopted. Do you?
Make sure you about what the future with you looks like for all of you. Talk about what your hopes and dreams are for a child, and ask her what her hopes and dreams are about for her child. Talk about how you plan on raising the child, the values was to install in this child for the future.
Ask her what else she would like to talk about. If she seems overwhelmed and doesn’t know, ask her some general questions about her life. How old is she. What was her childhood like. What are her hobbies. Be interested in her life. This often helps get the ball rolling.
Speak about yourselves as well as she will want to know as much as she can about you both too, but again, may not know the questions to ask.
Ask about family medical history. Explain that your curious and interested in her and her family too. Share your medical history as well. It is important she know the health of the family she is placing her child with.
What she was like when she was younger, what she liked doing as a kid, her favorite memory as a child, what did she like to do in school, where was her favorite place to visit, ask her for pictures of herself when she was younger at different ages if she is willing.
Talk about how she may want her child to be raised? Does she have certain things she really wants for her child? What is really key for her in the life of her child growing up in the home she chooses for them.
Discuss religion and spiritual beliefs. Does she go to church? What does she believe in?
Perhaps talk over names you would all like for the baby. Ask her what she thinks of your choices. Does she want to be involved in the naming? In our adoption I picked a full name for my daughter, and the adoptive parents kept the one name that was most important for me as her middle name. I was okay with that. But what I liked is that they wanted me to give her my own special name as well.
Does she know why you guys want to adopt? Tell her your story and explain what this means to you and to your families.
Admit to her that you and your nervous, and that her decision is a life changing one for all involved. Express your heartfelt intent that you really hope that everything works out for the best for all the people involved.
Ask her if she plans on talking to any other families, or if she has, or if she is considering this. Remember, while it makes you nervous to know she is talking to other families, it is her right to do so as this is probably one of the most life changing decisions she will EVER make. It needs to be the right decision for her.
Make her feel good about herself and her decision and make sure she knows that you and you will be good parents to her child. Tell her why you will be good parents and why she can trust you.
Most of all, try and make her comfortable. Treat her like a friend and hopefully she’ll become one. But understand some women might not be the same type of person as you and might be quieter or more reserved. Give her that right and accept her for who she is.
Finally, make sure you are aware of your own ideas about who she might be. Don’t assume she is unintelligent, or living in poverty, or uncarring. Listen with an open heard and open mind.
And know, if you have any concerns or questions, you are always welcome to contact me and we can chat. Amanda - First Mom
To get things started ask about the pregnancy.
- When is she due?
- Does she know the sex of the child?
- How has her pregnancy been?
- How does she feel?
- Is the father involved, and if so, does he plan to be part of the adoption plan and process? This might be a sensitive question to ask initially, so do it with tact and respect please.
- Is her family involved in this decision and how do they feel about the adoption plan? Remember this adoption affects whole families and you need to know this information to see if you can offer additional support.
- Does she have any other children? If she does, does she want her other children to be apart of the adoption and the baby’s life? If so try and make her feel that her other children are accepted as well. Families units are aways involved when only one child is being placed, and you can’t forget the other members involved in the adoption and focus only on the expectant mother.
But there are so many more questions to ask, and points to consider.
Ask her what it was about your profile that caught her attention? When I was looking through profiles there was only one book that caught my attention, in that book there was one page that specifically spoke to me and that’s when I knew they were the family I wanted my daughter to grow up with. Knowing what caught her attention about you and your family will give you a starting point to build a conversation from.
Ask her what kind of a relationship are she is interested in after the baby is place? Open? Closed? Semi-open? Monthly letters and photos? Occasional visits? But also know what YOU want and are HONESTLY WILLING TO OFFER. Don’t leave everything up to her to discuss, as she has enough on her plate and can’t dictate for you what is best for your family; she hardly knows you at this point.
It is good to establish what kind of a relationship you all want, it’s important to remember that adoption isn’t easy for both sides, you don’t want her to feel manipulated or used or she may regret her decision later on in life and that just hurts everyone involved. Just be honest in what kind of a relationship you want to have with her. I know for me, I know when people are lying to me to just get what they want. I want HONESTY.
Ask her if she knows anyone who has placed a child for adoption or is adopted. Do you?
Make sure you about what the future with you looks like for all of you. Talk about what your hopes and dreams are for a child, and ask her what her hopes and dreams are about for her child. Talk about how you plan on raising the child, the values was to install in this child for the future.
Ask her what else she would like to talk about. If she seems overwhelmed and doesn’t know, ask her some general questions about her life. How old is she. What was her childhood like. What are her hobbies. Be interested in her life. This often helps get the ball rolling.
Speak about yourselves as well as she will want to know as much as she can about you both too, but again, may not know the questions to ask.
Ask about family medical history. Explain that your curious and interested in her and her family too. Share your medical history as well. It is important she know the health of the family she is placing her child with.
What she was like when she was younger, what she liked doing as a kid, her favorite memory as a child, what did she like to do in school, where was her favorite place to visit, ask her for pictures of herself when she was younger at different ages if she is willing.
Talk about how she may want her child to be raised? Does she have certain things she really wants for her child? What is really key for her in the life of her child growing up in the home she chooses for them.
Discuss religion and spiritual beliefs. Does she go to church? What does she believe in?
Perhaps talk over names you would all like for the baby. Ask her what she thinks of your choices. Does she want to be involved in the naming? In our adoption I picked a full name for my daughter, and the adoptive parents kept the one name that was most important for me as her middle name. I was okay with that. But what I liked is that they wanted me to give her my own special name as well.
Does she know why you guys want to adopt? Tell her your story and explain what this means to you and to your families.
Admit to her that you and your nervous, and that her decision is a life changing one for all involved. Express your heartfelt intent that you really hope that everything works out for the best for all the people involved.
Ask her if she plans on talking to any other families, or if she has, or if she is considering this. Remember, while it makes you nervous to know she is talking to other families, it is her right to do so as this is probably one of the most life changing decisions she will EVER make. It needs to be the right decision for her.
Make her feel good about herself and her decision and make sure she knows that you and you will be good parents to her child. Tell her why you will be good parents and why she can trust you.
Most of all, try and make her comfortable. Treat her like a friend and hopefully she’ll become one. But understand some women might not be the same type of person as you and might be quieter or more reserved. Give her that right and accept her for who she is.
Finally, make sure you are aware of your own ideas about who she might be. Don’t assume she is unintelligent, or living in poverty, or uncarring. Listen with an open heard and open mind.
And know, if you have any concerns or questions, you are always welcome to contact me and we can chat. Amanda - First Mom